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Beginning to end, Bucket Knight took an hour to turn on, beat, and get every achievement. This ended up being a game that required a lot of patience, as the controls, collision, textures, and basically everything else ended up being an absolute mess. I couldn’t help but ask the entire way through the game if there was any quality assurance put into it.
Why fix what isn’t broken? For some reason, Cobra Kai 2 decided to go off in a whole new direction from the original game, which was on form and simply just needed a touch of polish. Instead, here we are with something that is so out of left field, and so horrifically broken, that playing it felt more like a chore than a hobby. Hopefully, if a third game ever comes to fruition somehow, I hope there is a long, hard look at what that game should be, and maybe just a touch of quality assurance.
I would be able to ignore Spectrewoods‘ existence if this game was either a tech demo, a free title, or your run-of-the-mill Steam shovelware, but this is a PlayStation 4 title being sold for actual money. It’s a commercial product, and a truly terrible one at that.
Honestly I hate talking so poorly about any games, but when I can’t find a single redeeming aspect, and I can’t find a single praise to give a game after hours of game time, it’s concerning. If you’re going to ask “why did you play it for hours then? Couldn’t have been that bad!” The answer is I was desperate to find something positive, instead I found a terrible way to waste my time.
If it wasn’t clear already, Shines Over: The Damned is a really bad game, which isn’t worth your money or your time, even if it lasts just half an hour. It’s a short, but definitely not sweet experience, completely lacking in scares, story, atmosphere, or neat ideas. To make matters worse, it costs way too much for something so short. The easy platinum trophy you can get from it is not worth the pricetag. At its worst, it was a frustrating gameplay experience. At its best, it was an experimental snorefest.
This could have been handled well. Love Kuesuto, though clearly antiquated in concept, could have been given a little bit of a fun tone – play as a woman, have more open ended questions, involve literally any gameplay – but it’s just rough and painful. It takes far too long to play while also taking no time at all. It isn’t fun, it isn’t clever, and it soapboxes so hard to no one about nothing. You could watch an Andrew Tate video fed through a Donald Duck voice filter and get the same amount of humor and good information.
Gekisou! Benza Race: Toilet Shooting Star is a truly baffling waste of time I would have clearly ignored if it was kept as a Japanese eShop exclusive, as it should have been. It wasn’t the case, however, as some mad mind decided to release it in the West with absolutely no translation or localization efforts. What we ended up getting as a result was a near criminal waste of thirteen dollars, where you can’t have fun with its premise, nor can you understand what the hell is happening onscreen. Fittingly enough, a game about toilets deserves to be thrown into one.
Burrow of the Fallen Bear: A Gay Furry Visual Novel really stressed the point that people who enjoy this game also enjoy multiple sexual encounters with multiple partners with zero connection other than physical. That all beliefs, ideas and personal codes can be thrown out the window if arousal is observed. If this is just meant to be erotica, put that in the title.
It’s not sexy enough to justify how bad the gameplay is, there is no story that could possibly explain anything that’s happening on screen (why am I hacking into a computer to look at nude photos of strangers?), and the number of titles out there that deliver more eroticism with less blatant sex pandering are high. Everyone will judge you for playing this, and no one will be your character witness in court afterwards. It’s hot trash, and if you’re seriously into the character design here, there are better games that are actually games. Please, don’t do this to yourself. You deserve better.
Popeye is… well, it’s something else. It’s a game. It doesn’t crash upon booting it up, and pressing buttons results in actions happening onscreen. That is the best praise I can give to this astonishing Switch exclusive. It makes me even wonder as to how the developers have managed to snag the licensing rights for the franchise to begin with.
Outbreak: Endless Nightmares is just a bad game. Everything from the awful controls, terrible pseudo-randomised level design, a paper-thin story that I can tell you nothing about, all make for a horrible experience. Then mix in needless roguelike elements that just don’t belong in a Resident Evil style title. It’s a recipe made in hell.
Taishogun: The Rise of Emperor might actually be the best game ever developed by Gilson B. Pontes, but that’s far from being a badge of honor. It’s still a poorly crafted Dark Souls clone with abysmal controls and no fun to be had whatsoever. The questions of how the developer managed to get a devkit to make these games and whether Sony is even aware of these terrible titles being released for its consoles, still linger.
As expected, Hed the Pig is terrible, absolutely abysmal, with terrible visuals, controls, and one of the most boring gameplay loops in recent memory. It’s the game that makes me wonder how easy it must be to get one of these Switch devkits. Why was this conceived, and most importantly, approved for commercial release, will remain as one of the biggest mysteries of the universe.
You’ll spend about fifteen minutes between downloading Road Bustle, getting all of its trophies, and uninstalling it. It actually took longer for me to write this review than it took me to 100% the freaking thing. Technically speaking, it’s not a completely broken game, as it does what it advertises, but it’s so pathetic and uninspiring.
I’m just here to tell you that this would be a game that I could at no point in good faith recommend anyone to play unless they’re desperate for a brand new game of this genre. Even then, the game looks and controls like it’s older than most.
If you’re looking for a way to learn Japanese in an interactive manner, even dealing with the annoying reminders from Duolingo is a better choice than paying actual money for a game like Easy Japanesey. It is an excruciatingly boring puzzle game if you already know Japanese. It is also a completely pointless waste of time if you don’t, given how it doesn’t teach you anything. I booted it up expecting very little, and I still managed to give up on it just a few minutes later feeling disappointed and angry.
It would be overdramatic to say that Neptunia: Sisters Vs. Sisters broke me. Instead, more accurately is it just bored me to no end. The style of the game and everything it’s doing seems like it should make for a fun experience, but the execution is miles off the mark. Based on previous games, this game would be looking to be about twenty hours of gameplay total, if that’s the case, I would be willing to barter that only the biggest of Neptunia fans will stick with it the whole way through, because even Final Fantasy XIII felt like less of a slog.
This is a fully formed digital release on the most profitable console on the planet at this time. It has nothing for no one, and I’m just sad that someone probably will play this in an attempt to make life a bit better. Bad news, mate: this fish is dead in the water.
Evil Inside is yet another failed attempt to recapture the brilliance of PT in a “full game” format, but it ends up missing the mark in every single way you could possibly imagine. This isn’t scary at all, it’s just boring, uninteresting, and most importantly, annoying, mostly due to the overabundance of loud noises and jump scares. There are much better PT-inspired horror games out there, so don’t fret with this one.
If you want to add another platinum trophy to your collection with little to no effort, then sure, go ahead, My Name Is Mayo 2 is the game for you. Just be aware of the imminent carpal tunnel syndrome you’re going to develop.